SO YOU THINK YOU HAVE A MARRIAGE?

Hello wonderful friends & family!! Thank God it’s another great Friday, the 3rd one in August 2019.

We are always humbled by the privilege accorded us to share with you once a week & we are indeed blessed by the feedback(s) that we get which is a great source of encouragement to the shalomesqsnippet team.

Just a bit of house cleaning as we gradually look forward to celebrating our 5th Year Anniversary.

Please note that in the coming days & months some changes will be made regarding the distribution of our contents via Social Media to ensure that we are as less intrusive as possible.

Before that happens please subscribe to our blog by clicking the “Follow Blog” button at the bottom of our homepage. We do appreciate the support & feedback.

We do realize that we have so many series in the works since the beginning of the year, however this blog was created & designed to bless people across many fronts & to inspire others as we are also inspired.

Today’s post is a spin-off from the series on “THE MAKING OF A GREAT TEAM” especially the last post that looked at a couple as a team.

Please get updated on the series with the links below:

THE MAKING OF A GREAT TEAM – III

THE MAKING OF A GREAT TEAM – II

THE MAKING OF A GREAT TEAM – PREQUEL

THE MAKING OF A GREAT TEAM

The title of today’s post is inspired by one of the many TV shows I love to watch with my family “So You Think You Can Dance (SYTYCD)“.

SYTYCD

The show features a format wherein dancers trained in a variety of dance genres enter open auditions held in a number of major U.S. cities to showcase their talents and move forward through successive additional rounds of auditions to test their ability to adapt to different styles.

At the end of this process, a small number of dancers are chosen as finalists. These dancers move on to the competition’s main phase, where they perform solo, duet, and group dance numbers on live television, attempting to master a diverse selection of dance styles.

They compete for the votes of the broadcast viewing audience which, combined with the input of a panel of judges, determines which dancers advance to the next stage from week to week, until a winner is crowned as “America’s favorite dancer“.

I belong to a few Social Media groups & while travelling out of station last month, someone in one of the groups shared a book written by one of my favorite authors Gary Chapman PhD ( who wrote The 5 Love Languages) titled “The 4 seasons of Marriage : Secrets To A Lasting Marriage“.

As my practice I archived the book in my cloud storage with the aim of reading it while traveling not knowing that the series on the making of a great team will drift in this direction.

God has an amazing way of getting my attention about something ahead of time by orchestrating & aligning things around me in that particular direction.

So You Think You Have A Marriage (SYTYHAM)??

I will take a stab at this to the best of my abilities based on my knowledge in Life for over 40 years as well as experience in my soon to be 14 years of Marriage.

A lot of people do struggle when it comes to relationships & do dream of landing one of the best relationships on earth – MARRIAGE– however some of the knowledge they have about this wonderful aspect of mankind is based on warp ideologies,mindset, truism & paradigm.

I’ve tried to set the right baselines (for singles, searching & selecting) with some of my previous posts below:

This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh!! Part 1

This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh!! Part 2

Please permit me to skip for now the 2nd phase (of courtship & dating) & just jump to the crux of the matter (Marriage)

According to Dr. Chapman “Marriages are perpetually in a state of transition (of flux), continually moving from one season to another perhaps not annually, as in nature, but just as certainly and consistently. Sometimes we find ourselves in winter-discouraged, detached, and dissatisfied; other times we experience springtime, with its openness, hope, and anticipation. On still other occasions we bask in the warmth of summer-comfortable, relaxed, enjoying life. And then comes fall with its uncertainty, negligence, and apprehension.

The cycle repeats itself many times throughout the life of a marriage, just as the seasons repeat themselves in nature”

The book describes these recurring seasons of marriage,to help you and your spouse identify which season your marriage is in, and to show you how to move away from the unsettledness of fall or the alienation and coldness of winter toward the hopefulness of spring or the warmth and closeness of summer.

The 4 Seasons ( Summary)

The seasons of marriage come and go. Each one holds the potential for emotional health and happiness, and each one has its challenges. The key is to develop the necessary skills to enhance your marriage in all four seasons.

Unlike trees, which are at the mercy of the weather and other factors, as humans we have the capacity to make decisions. We can choose attitudes and actions that will improve and strengthen our marriages.

We can plant seeds of love and hope in the springtime that will produce fruit during the summer.

And we can harvest a storehouse of good feelings and open communication that will prepare us to weather the changes of fall and the icy cold of winter.

Marriage relationships are constantly changing. Attitudes shift, emotions fluctuate, and the way spouses treat each other ebbs and flows between loving and not so loving. Sometimes, change is beyond our control.

WINTER

Winter marriages are characterized by coldness, harshness, and bitterness. The dreams of spring are covered with layers of ice.” Conversations are only about logistics–who will do what and when they will do it.

Communication is relegated to silence, arguments, criticism, and, at times, verbal abuse. Lives are lived independently, although under the same roof.

SPRING

“Spring is where most marriages begin,” says Chapman. “The excitement of creating a new life together is not exclusively for newlyweds.” The emotions in a spring marriage are characterized by excitement, joy, hope, and happiness. Couples feel animated and buoyant, and their attitudes towards one another are positive.

There is both gratitude and anticipation of the future, and an overall feeling of optimism and trust.

SUMMER

Fun is the theme of a summer marriage,” says Chapman. “Life is beautiful and reaping benefits of efforts to understand each other. Spouses share a deep sense of commitment, satisfaction, and security in each other’s love.” Emotions include happiness, satisfaction, accomplishment, connection, peace, and FUN! Attitudes are beautiful, but they must be watered, or else they will wither in the heat of the sun. There is usually a desire to keep growing together. The communication is constructive, and couples have learned to accept each other’s differences.

A couple in the summer season of marriage needs to be forewarned, though. Unresolved conflicts under the surface must be brought out if a marriage is to remain in a state of fullness.

FALL

“These marriages look fine externally; outsiders may even comment on how happy the couple seems to be. Yet inside the marriage, things are changing.” Fall marriages can either be a prelude to winter, or a couple can dig deep and make time reverse so they can move to spring. Emotions in this season include sadness, apprehension, rejection, resentment, loneliness, and emotional depletion.

Couples in the fall season of their marriage have attitudes of great concern over their marriages; there is an uncertainty about where things are going.

Whatever season you are in, there are nuggets to glean, actions to take, emotions & attitudes to watch out for & climate of relationship in that season.

I will attempt to unpack these points in the following posts & do hope it will be a blessing to someone out there.

Let’s take a pit stop right now & catch up later.

What marriage season are you currently in?

Do you need help to navigate through the season?

This is my snippet …….. I AM SHALOMESQ

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THE MAKING OF A GREAT TEAM – III

#TGIF family!!! it’s the last Friday of the Month of July 2019 & we will shortly land in the 8th month of August. The year 2019 is rolling along quickly & Q3 will soon be over, so how far have you achieved as regards your 2019 set goals?

Since all national cup competitions have come to an end, we are ever getting closer to the start of a new EPL season & my darling club – Chelsea FC– the pride of London is fixing to take another stab at winning the EPL again & also doing well in Europe.

Today’s post will continue on our discuss regarding “The making of a Great Team” & this will be the 4th post in the series.

To catch up on the previous posts, please click the links below

THE MAKING OF A GREAT TEAM

THE MAKING OF A GREAT TEAM – PREQUEL

THE MAKING OF A GREAT TEAM – II

Following John C. Maxwell 17 Indisputable Laws of Teamwork, today we will be looking at “The Law of the Chain

The strength of the team is impacted by its weakest link. When a weak link remains on the team the stronger members identify the weak one, end up having to help him/her, come to resent him/her, become less effective, and ultimately question their leader’s ability.

This nicely ties up with a post I made last year on the topic the weakest link based on a popular British game show I loved watching growing up.

You can read up that post by clicking the link below

THE WEAKEST LINK

A chain is as strong as it’s weakest link“, this statement first appeared in Thomas Reid’s “Essays on the Intellectual Powers of Man,” published in 1786 & it means that a group is only as strong or successful as its weakest or least successful member.

So far, the discussions have been majorly related to teams in a corporate or organizational settings but today I’ll like to switch to looking at a couple as a team. A man & a woman coming together in holy matrimony under God forms a team just like any other team. Gen 2:24 & Ecclesiastes 4:12

It will be 14 years (by November) that I said “I DO” to my delectable & authentic wife in the presence of witnesses & it’s been a fantastic journey since. We went through all of the various stages of team development & now we are the performance stage of our relationship.

God has granted us the privilege by his mercy to make our home heaven on earth, a haven & not an oven. It took us a lot of work to get here & to an outsider it seems everything is working effortlessly & smoothly, just like a duck gliding on the stream, there is a lot of leg-work action going on underneath that you are not seeing.

A major part of our success is our ability to constantly deal with our weaknesses (reducing them to the minimum) while maximizing our strengths. Our relationship has been a source of inspiration to people around us & we get several requests to counsel young folks who are about to get into a relationship or are already in a relationship.

For those who are about to get into a relationship, we counsel them not to be in a hurry, to work more on themselves as individuals & ensure they dont hook up with an incompatible & weak partner as a team mate. God is interested in making a great home for anyone just like he did for Adam & Eve in the Garden of Eden

For those already in a relationship, we talk to them about the need for a strong & dynamic team in the home, the need to work on themselves to identify areas of individual weaknesses & start to eliminate them while also looking at the weaknesses of the team together.

The feedback we get is really encouraging most of the time & it also confirms that the principles we’ve used over the years really works.

The aim is not to create carbon copies of us or our relationship but to help each individual or couple be the best they can be as planned by God.

Highlights

  • God cares so much about everything in your life & your happiness is important to him. Remember he thought about the need of a help-meet for Adam. Genesis 2:18, Jeremiah 29:11
  • Your marital team mate is out there waiting for you. Just continue to focus & work on yourself, ensure you are dealing with your weaknesses & growing in all areas of your life, in due time your team mate will show up. Habakkuk 2:3, Genesis 2:22-23
  • Once you find & bond with your team mate under God, aim for greatness ( Contend for the ultimate prize). Ecclesiastes 4:12, Amos 3:3, 1 Corinthians 9:25
  • The home team is not in a competition, you are rather meant to complement each other. So give each member the space & chance to perform in their areas of strength. 2 Corinthians 10:12

I hope this helps someone out there.

Going back to corporate & organization settings, the way to deal with a weak link is slightly different. In this case it’s more ruthless at the end as the weakling is ultimately removed from the team.

The best practice is to find a way of helping the weak team member by tagging them with a strong person & reassessing progress after a while, if the situation doesn’t change for the best, the weak member will have to be taken out of the team as the impact of keeping that weak member will be catastrophic on the team. ( The Law of the Bad Apple)

Do you have weaknesses?

What are your plans of dealing with them?

Do you have a strong team?

How do you deal with a weakling?

Next stop we will be looking at THE LAW of the CATALYST

This is my snippet …….. I AM SHALOMESQ

This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh!! Part 2

In the last post on this topic, we highlighted a couple of nuggets that were very fundamental. Now let’s move forward to conclude on this matter.

Our text was from Genesis 2:18-24. Now in Verse 21 God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; while he slept God did the miraculous work of taking one of Adam’s ribs, replaced it with flesh & then made a woman out of that rib. After making the woman, God brought her to the man.

After “naming” all of the female folks around you, in your social landscape, its possible, most likely that you will not find your Eve amongst them.

The next thing based on verse 21 will be for God to cause you to sleep.

What is sleep? This is a condition of body and mind which typically recurs for several hours every night, in which the nervous system is inactive, the eyes closed, the postural muscles relaxed, and consciousness practically suspended.  I have deliberately highlighted some part of this definition of sleep to make some points.

1.  Inactive: In my case, God told me to drop off the social circle. I wasn’t socially dead, but asleep, I just basically laid low.

2.Eyes closed: In Adam’s case it was his physical eye, in this case it’s your mind. The bible talks about the eye of the mind ( understanding) being enlightened. You need to be focused on God & totally unconscious of your environment, you cant at this time be wandering here & there about the ladies you’ve met, who fits you or tickle your fancy. Your mind must be on God as he fashions a wonderful being for you.

3. Muscles relaxed: During this period you must be relaxed totally trusting in God to do only what Him alone can do. Remember he is interested in you settling down, it was his idea in the first place, so let him have his way.

4. Consciousness practically suspended: In this day & age, there are a lot of information as regards choosing a life partner,dating, courtship, marriage, e.t.c. I am a fan of Steve Harvey’s show. It’s good to read & have these information, but you must suspend all of them & submit totally to God’s way as it is the best.

Another key part of that verse is the corporation from Adam, God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam,but he also aligned by sleeping. It’s possible that God wants to sort you out in this area & you are not ready to corporate. You don’t want to sleep, you still want to be up & about in the social arena looking for that life partner, but you will do well Adam to sleep & let God perfect his work.

While Adam slept God performed the surgery, took out the bone, replaced it with flesh, made the Woman & brought he to him. In my case that “sleeping” experience took me about 1 year of dropping off the social grid & just concentrating on loving God & on my studies. God did the miraculous for me on the 16th of November 1998, I saw this angel for the first time & I just knew she was THE ONE!! Just like Adam said in verse 23This is now bone of my bones & flesh of my flesh, she shall be called a WOMAN”

We so much clicked at all levels that my friend whom I accompanied to check her room-mate  felt like a stranger by the end of that day. She invited us for her birthday the week after & the rest is history.

Verse 24 is another message on its own worthy of another post, but I will just pass a few comments on this.

The whole idea of marriage from God’s perspective is that:

1. The Man must leave father & mother: There must be a separation, physically, mentally, financially, location-wise, e.t.c. Any man that is still tied to his parents & relies on them for food,shelter & money is not yet ready to be married.  As a standard, the Man must have a job ( be able to cater for himself & his bride) & a place he is living ( not necessarily a palace, but a comfortable roof over his head).

2. The Man must become united & cleave to his wife: There are 2 operative words here & they are cleave & become. After leaving parents & family, the man must cleave to his wife. You cant cleave until you leave!!! The main focus must be on the new home being built as a unit of the society.

3. They ( Man & Wife) must become One: They must become one flesh. “Become” indicates the fact that a process is involved. a lot of people think that marriage is magical space where things just go on rails. My submission is that yes it can be heaven on earth, but you must work at it, there is a process, principles to maintain to ensure that God’s design is achieved in your home. Just like it works with a team, there are different stages in team dynamics ( FORMING,STORMING, NORMING, PERFORMING), so it is with marriage. The ceremony will last for a couple of days, but the marriage is meant to be forever.

This concludes phase 1 – the discussion regarding choosing the right life partner.

I will be focusing on phase 2 – courtship in a couple of postings to come.

This is my snippet, I am SHALOMESQ