In our last post, we discussed the first of the 5 love languages ( Words of Affirmation).
I will like to thank those that took time to read the post & gave feedback one way or the other, you encourage me more each day & I am thankful.
Today, we will take a look at Quality Time as another love language. Time is a very precious commodity in life on this side of eternity. Once lost, it takes only God ( who is timeless & dwells in eternity) to restore it (Joel2:25). In this context spending quality time with your spouse means giving them your undivided attention. This is not a primary love language for my wife & I, but it’s one that we both cherish when we get to do it & it fills up our love tank as well.
It involves, holding hands, taking a walk together,going out to eat together ( dinner,lunch or breakfast), spending like 5-10 mins of undivided attention just to listen to your spouse, looking them straight in the eyes & showing that you are there for them. It can be as elaborate as going on a date night in a fancy restaurant or as simple as just switching off(or pausing) the TV (thanks to technology) to listen to them.
At the beginning of our relationships or marriages we love to spend time with our spouses as they are the brightest light we see, but as LIFE happens, sometimes we tend to neglect those times & it begins to affect the LOVE atmosphere in that relationship or marriage.
I understand the fact that we want to get ahead in our careers or businesses & we work hard at that, but the question to ask is this: Do you want to get to the top ALONE & destroy your relationship & marriage getting there? Work is great, but in settings the right priorities, family is more important. If anything should happen to you at work (maybe health-wise), your organization will support you for a while, if there is no improvement, they will nicely let go of you & it’s your family that will be left to take care of you going forward. I’m not saying be lazy at work, but please set the right priorities. There is a need for harmony in all the different aspects of your life, Jesus said it perfectly when he said “Give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar & God what belongs to God” (Mark 12:17)
I’ve realized that there are times, I just need to talk to my wife about things generally, it could be about office stress, finances, challenges, etc & she requires the same of me & we just sit together with undivided attention, sometimes we don’t even have to speak, we just sit, hold hands, look at each other & smile. Those times are magical, it reassures us & fully secures our love for one another & indeed gets our love tank filled.
In this modern age where we have a lot of distractions (e.g. internet, social media,TV, etc) its getting more & more difficult to spend quality time with our spouses, but its not an impossible task. What my Wife & I do on a regular basis is to steal 5-10 mins just to talk about anything we want to talk about. So if it’s work related stress, I listen to her talk about it & I keep the names of those involved in my memory & I just try to make sure that I give her 100% full attention ( still work in progress), not to give advice or correction (sometimes it requires I give my input) but just to listen. And then the next day I ask about those people again, just to make her know I listened & she does the same for me as well.
Because this is not our primary love language, we don’t major on it too much, but its part of the ingredient that spices our relationship. I’m a bit of a romantic so I get to plan some date nights events once in a while where its just the 2 of us & we send our kids to a friend’s or relative’s place for those few hours. But for those whose primary love language is quality time, 5-10 mins might not be enough. You will know as your spouse will always ask that you both spend more times together, they will ask that you both take on a task together. Those little hints shows that your spouse’s primary language is quality time.
The required task might just be going to the mall together, just walking side by side & holding hands. This one I had to learn from my wife, I realized while we were dating that she loves to walk by my side ( not for me to be in-front or behind her) with her hands looped into mine & this we still do up till now & I love the fact that I have a very beautiful woman off my hands as we walk (Chivalry is not dead in my book!!).
Just like any other language, there are different dialects of Quality Time. One of them is togetherness, don’t take the time you spent with your spouse lightly. There is a huge difference between proximity & togetherness, for example, 2 couples can walk together in the mall & you will instantly know those who are together by proxy & those who are actually “together“.
Togetherness is about complete focus & attention to your spouse, My wife & I have learnt to pause the TV when either of us have serious things to say, we drop the phones ( put it on silence), leave all gadgets alone & even send the kids to their room (if required) just to get that complete focus & attention.
I remember taking the whole family out for sports on a weekend, my kids were on their Rollerblade & Scooter while my Wife & I just played Tennis. It wasn’t about who won or lost the game, but we were all together & that time was well invested & cherished.
Quality conversations is another important aspect of spending time with our spouses, its not enough, just to spend time together, there must be quality conversations involved. The focus must be to share intimacy in those moments by expressing feelings & thoughts in a way that the other person feels loved, to show sympathy about what concerns or troubles them. How many times has your wife come home feeling stressed about work & all she just needed was a listening ear & we as husbands just sit there watching our football or news & totally ignore them or start giving advice?
The same goes the other way too, it breeds a wrong atmosphere in the home & it drains LOVE out of a person ( even more if quality time & conversation was their primary love language & dialect).
Another major dialect is Quality activities, like the example I gave earlier the action of taking the whole family out for sports & we playing tennis was a great way to communicate love & be together with my family. I know my wife loves playing tennis, swimming, listening to music, etc. So when I plan activities in & around what she loves doing, she lights up with joy & we spend quality & intimate times together, she does the same for me as well.
The idea is for both of us to know that we are willing to do what each of us likes doing & doing it together with the right attitude…now that is LOVE.
Before, I really don’t like shopping with my wife ( as a man, I go straight to the point, get what I want & I am out), ladies ( my wife is not an exception) like to take their time to check, double check, compare, etc. I remember we usually end up fighting or going our separate ways, but now I enjoy going with her (still work in progress) & just block out that time as her’s & try to enjoy it as well with the right attitude.
Generally as couples we should use quality conversations, in quality activities to stay together with our spouses as we spend quality times creating memories. Those memories will last a lifetime & keep the fire of the marriage burning brightly.
If this has blessed you, please feel free to share with others & help spread the word.
Also do revert with your questions & comments as your feedback helps me a great deal.
In the next post I will be sharing about RECEIVING GIFTS.
Is the love tank in your marriage ( you & your spouse) full? What is the climate over your home?
This is my snippet, I AM SHALOMESQ!!